Going back to St. Luke's Hospital

If I can have my way, I wouldn’t go back to St. Luke’s this soon. This is where my father was confined before he passed away about three months ago. However, my mother needed to undergo andiogram and this hospital is one of the bests, if not the best hospital in the country today. So here I am once more….

As I stepped on the main entrance of the hospital, I can’t help but recall the day we checked out my father to bring him home as the doctors said it was just a waiting game. I can still vividly remember how hard it was for the ambulance driver, nurses, my brothers Joey & Ryan, my nephews Mark & Junjun and my husband, Mulong to get my father inside the ambulance. Cars were already queueing at the driveway of the main entrance because it took them so long before they were finally able to do it.

During that time, I was kinda mesmerized…..I was just observing. I knew that father will be gone soon so it seemed that I was trying to instill in my memory all of the scenes before me. I looked at mother keeping her bravado, her motion sickness forgotten. My husband, Pam and Ditse followed in our car. The ambulance was so fast they were already home in Bulacan while we were still in Fairview. Q.C. I did not witness the events when they brought out father from the ambulance but I was told that it was hard as well. Father was already deadweight – but my auntie said he opened his eyes and he seemed to smile because he knew that he was home already. That was his wish – to be brought home whatever happens. He knew that we fulfilled his last wish-----

My daydreaming was disturbed by the ringing of my cellphone. It was my Ate telling me that they were nearing the hospital already. I gathered my things which were scattered in the cafeteria table where I spent the time waiting for them while having my breakfast. I occupied the same table that my sisters, and brothers and my father used when we had lunch there, one time, while waiting for the results of some laboratory exams.

It was a weird feeling walking on the same hallway, taking note of the familiar seats where my father and I sat…...It seems that it was only yesterday…...Looking at one of the benches, I remember that we accidentally left his CT scan results then and it was my father who noticed the big envelope on the bench......

Of course, I also visited the room where my father was confined. It was in the second floor. I looked at Room 218B’s closed door and opened it a little to peep and I felt that a part of me would always be there. This was where my family spent some of our last moments with Tatay. From the time when I first visited him when all he could do was cry as he had a hard time communicating with us – until finally he could not do it at all. We knew he could hear us and we talked to him a lot. I even sang to him one gospel song over and over again..”Have Thine Own Way Lord, have thine own way, Thou art the potter, I am the clay, mold me and make me after Thy will, while I am waiting yielded and still......” and I am sure that my father heard me.

We also tried to check father's failing eyesight once in a while... we would always ask him to say the name of the person standing before him. We would ask Pam for instance to stand in front of Tatay and ask him to identify her. Sometimes, he could but most of the time, we believed that he was just basing his answers on the voice.

I will always remember his intense stares during his last days....while..he seemed to be slipping away from us....

It was in this room where I thanked Tatay for everything, for being a good father to all of us, for being a very loving grandpa to my daughter…..and for being a very understanding father to me and my husband.

It was here that his youngest daughter and his female version (that's me!)shed a lot of tears...

I have always felt this especial bond with my father..so much so that my siblings would always tease me for being the father's pet.

.... until finally.. .it was also here that I asked God to take my father away if it was according to His plan.

I will forever love my father and I will miss him for the rest of my life but I am glad that he is now with God!

St. Luke’s ...you're already a part of my life!

Music for Dads on Fathers' Day

Because you loved me
. . . . .
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
. . . . .
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
. . . . .
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
. . . . .
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
. . . . .
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
. . . . .
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
. . . . .
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
. . . . .
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
. . . . .
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
. . . . .
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
. . . . .
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
. . . . .
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
. . . . .
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
. . . . .
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you
. . . . .
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
. . . . .
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith'coz you believed
. . . . .
Because you loved me
You were my strength when I was weak
. . . . .
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
. . . . .
You gave me faith'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
. . . . .
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
. . . . .

PAPA, CAN YOU HEAR ME?


PRAYER
Oh God-our heavenly Father.
Oh, God-and my father
Who is also in heaven.
May the light of this
Flickering candle
Illuminate the night the way
Your spirit illuminates my soul.

Papa, can you hear me?
Papa, can you see me?
Papa can you find me in the night?
Papa are you near me?
Papa, can you hear me?
Papa, can you help me not be frightened?
Looking at the skies I seem to see
A million eyes which ones are yours?
Where are you now that yesterday
Has waved goodbye
And closed its doors?
The night is so much darker;
The wind is so much colder;
The world I see is so much bigger
Now that I'm alone.
Papa, please forgive me.
Try to understand me;
Papa, don’t you know I had no choice?
Can you hear me praying,
Anything I'm saying
Even though the night is filled with voices?
I remember everything you taught me
Every book 1've ever read...
Can all the words in all the books
Help me to face what lies ahead?
The trees are so much taller
And I feel so much smaller;
The moon is twice as lonely
And the stars are half as bright...
Papa, how I love you...
Papa, how I need you.
Papa, how I miss you
Kissing me good night...

On Human Attachments

my immortal

i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along

Ascended! April 20, 2005

June 14 is my late father's birthday. He should had been 71 years old if he were still alive today. It is my family's practice to visit him on his birthday, to celebrate and to give him simple gifts which he greatly appreciated.

Things are really different now in the house. This year, there's only my mother to welcome us home. My mother who has openly cried to say how much she misses my father. Looking at my mother's very frail body, it was so hard to leave her behind yet she is so adamant to stay in the house where we grew up. Clinging on the memories of so many wonderful years of being together, recalling our so many ups and downs ...

As I laid down on my father's death bed, I can almost hear my father's voice telling me that life has to go on..that he had a well lived life...that he felt the love of his sons and daughters, in laws and grandchildren..that he was sure that mother will be well taken care of...that someday we will all be together in our ultimate destination... and that there is no more pain, no more tears in the place where he is now....

With these thoughts in mind, I now say, Kudos! Tatay .... you had fufilled your mission on earth with flying colors... I couldn't thank God enough for giving you to me as my father...because God gave me the best...and I believe that you had already ascended to heaven (just like Jun, my brother when he died two years earlier)


Ascended

We are . . . well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord. – 2 Corinthians 5:8

Joseph Parker (1830-1902) was a beloved English preacher. When his wife died, he didn’t have the customary wording inscribed on her gravestone. Instead of the word died followed by the date of her death, he chose the word ascended.

Parker found great comfort in being reminded that though his wife’s body had been placed in the grave, the "real" Mrs. Parker had been transported to heaven and into the presence of her Savior. When Parker himself died, his friends made sure that his gravestone read:

ASCENDED NOVEMBER 28, 1902

When a believing loved one dies, or when we ourselves face the process of dying, there’s great comfort in the fact that "to be absent from the body" is "to be present with the Lord" (2 Corinthians 5:8).

Death for us is not a dark journey into the unknown. It is not a lonely walk into a strange and friendless place. Rather, it is a glorious transition from the trials of earth into the joys of heaven, where we will be reunited with our loved ones in Christ who have gone before. Best of all, we will enjoy the presence of our Lord forever.

Yes, when a believer dies, the body is buried but not the soul. It has ascended! – Richard De Haan

Oh, how blessed is the promise

When our spirit is set free:

To be absent from the body

Means to live, O Lord, with Thee! – Bosch

READ: 2 Corinthians 5:1-8

For the Christian, death is the doorway to Glory.

Visiting Tagaytay one fine day!

Wonderful view of Taal Lake from Leslie's restaurant




A lake within a volcano within a lake...found only in the Philippines!



It's David's and KJ's first visit in the country. CV PCG(Boyet, Leah & myself) treated them to a sumptuous lunch at Leslie's Tagaytay. Our visitors were delighted to see Taal Lake and promised to come back to see it again. Of course, they also enjoyed the food served.

Our Pam is moving on to high school!

Sunrise, sunset, swiftly fly the years
Seedlings turn overnight to sunflower
Blossoming even as we gaze!



With Papa and Mama
Tagaytay International Convention Center
March 18, 2005



Our pride, Pam is a consistent honor student
(Took after Mama, sorry, Papa!)



A whacky class picture, indeed!
Grade VI-Hope (BATCH 2005)
Philippine Christian University
Dasmarinas, Cavite

Our darling baby Shaun!

This is my nephew David Shaun. Born Sept. 23, 2002. Son of my late brother, PO3Jun Caramol who passed away last March 21, 2003 in a fatal encounter in Nasugbu, Batangas. He was a member of the Special Action Force, PNP.

That encounter left my nephew fatherless at 6 months old. So innocent...so young...a chance to grow with a father forever gone.

I know that life will not be too easy for you, my little, young man..life is hard enough as it is..much more without a father around. Nevertheless, remember that we are here for you, no matter what.... We love you sooo much!

Mi Unica Hija Pamela Joy

All I Ever Want

I think of you from the moment I wake up
I think of you till the time I close my eyes,
I start to dream of you
You’re the only thought I’ll ever have

I think of you even as the morning starts to wane
I think of you till the sun begins to hide behind
the distant paint all thru the night
Until the little star has left the sky

In my wildest dreams I dream about you
Every face I see I see only you
In my most quiet moments I hear only you
All I ever wanna do is to say, I love you!

I think of you…
Everytime I hear the raindrops, I think of you
Everytime I see a moonlit sky with velvet clouds passing by
Just thinking of you makes me wanna fly…

From the moment you walked into my life
There came happiness and sunshine to my life
You don’t know how good I feel inside
That someday you’ll step right into my life.