Finally, I was able to get in..

For so many months I couldn't log in to my account... Just now, I tried if I can get in without really expecting that I could...Whatever happened in the past? I don't know...I am just glad that I have my blogspot back. I can once again write down what I want.

Thanks, a bunch!

365 days ago...

Today is my first year anniversary with this company. Time flies... I still remember that I was a bit nervous when I started. I still have within me the joy of getting this job. 2 salary increases...several recognitions...one instance to claim the health benefit for my daughter...lots of overtime & overnight because of the work load...but it is okay....i am still enjoying my job. I am thankful to God for this new chance....

It is hard to please everyone

I have learned that somebody in my team believes that I am playing favorites.

It's hard to understand people like that. Hard to believe the extent one can do just to take the attention away from her mistakes. It is also disappointing to know how easy it is for others to believe or to talk at your back. People whom you thought are your trusted friends.

People are trying to put one down when they think that that someone is on his way up or when they think that that someone is already ahead of them.

Sad that there are people who are like that. They would rather see the negative things rather than the good things that you've done.

Sigh! Life goes on..as long as I am not doing anything bad to them. As long as my conscience is clear....I should not mind... God bless all of you..You know who you are...

8 years ago....

....8 years ago, my brother was still alive....he was happy with his 6 month old baby, & wife . He was a member of the Special Action Force of the Philippine National Police.

....8 years ago, our family was still complete. Nanay & Tatay were also still with us.

....8 years ago, I don't recognize the pain of losing a loved one. It was an experience that me & my family had to go thru 3 times...

....8 years ago, a brother next to me was still a live.

....8 years ago....we were 6 siblings and 2 parents.

how I wish to go back to that time....

Sending kisses to my nanay

Today is the 3rd death anniversary of my dear nanay. Time flies.... I truly miss her. I wish we had more time to be with each other.

Swollen Tonsils

My daughter had been complaining that something is wrong with her throat. It was hard for her to swallow. Even swallowing liquid gave her pain. We went to see a doctor at UMC that weekend and she was given antibiotics to fight off the infection. We were told to come back on Wednesday to check on her progress. During that weekend up to Wednesday, Pam really had a hard time. The antibiotics did not work. When her father accompanied her for the check up, they were referred to Asian Hospital for possible confinement.

Pam's two tonsils were swollen so much so that she might not be able to breathe anytime since the air passage was already being blocked by the tonsils. The pain is already extending to her left ear and by that time it was already impossible for her to take anything orally.

At Asian, they went straight to the emegency room as advised by the UMC doctor. My husband informed me to go straight to Asian so I left the office a little after lunchtime. I was so nervous. It was the first time that Pam is going to be hospitalized. I am thinking that maybe she would cry when the nurses will stick needles in her arm for the dextrose. I was a bit glad that I wouldn't be there by herside by then as I might cry, too.

They were still in the emergency room when I arrived. The hospital staff hasn't found yet a room for her. It was already past 5pm when we were led to a room at the 5th floor. It was a nice room - superior private. There was a TV, ref, own bathroom, and big space for the sofa bed and a window.

Pam reacted positively with the antibiotics that was put thru her dextrose. We were out of the hospital after 3 days.

It was a scary experience for us but it was a nice feeling that being covered by Maxicare, we would not be troubled with the financial aspect.

At the end of the day, after claiming Philhealth, Maxicare picked up the rest of the bill. When we were about to leave the hospital, somebody gave Pam a rose as it is a practice when a patient checks out.

I am really praying that nobody in our family will be hospitalized, ever. I just hate it there....no matter how nice the room is.

If any, the only good thing that happened to us during Pam's hospitalization is that the 3 of us had a time alone with each other. It made us realize how important we are to each other.

Independence

...Trying to be independent from us and getting dependent on someone else. ...

'Ma, I am the assigned marketer in school today. I am not yet that close to my new groupmates as we have just reshuffled so I will have to do it alone. Btw- we will meet at SM so that he can help me to carry the things I am going to buy" there goes the text message of my daughter.

Yeah, you're right! Not really sure if you can't carry them all. If you don't have a boyfriend, you can manage it for sure..but now that there is somebody to help you..suddenly, you can't lift things on your own anymore...

Okay, be dependent if you have to...but it should not impact your personality..you should be able to stand own your own as you are not always going to be with him. Just another way to be together...Hmmnnn...I know that..I have been there.. but back then, I was way ahead your age ..yours came too early......

Bad Thoughts go away...

...So this is how it feels when your daughter has a boyfriend already. I really have to stretch my patience sometimes. Need to give her my full understanding, maximum tolerance. But it is getting harder each day. She is not as demanding of my time anymore as she has someone else to occupy her time. Her constant texting irritates me. I don't also like her talking on the phone for so long. Maybe I am envious:-( I would almost say NO each time she tells me that she will have a visitor. I am thinking that she is allowing again that guy to eat our food, hehehe..when I saw some of their pics on the Facebook...I cringed...my..why have a shot with their faces so close..always smiling...hmmph! If this is not paranoia, I don't know what to call it.

...For the first time she really transferred to her room when in fact she has been sharing our bedroom for the past 17 years. Independence...yeah, yeah...I just believe that she is talking to her boyfriend until late at night on the phone. I wish her phone would get lost or be broken then I am not gonna buy her a new one anymore. That would be fun:-)

...I also saw on FB that she bought him a birthday gift. That would be from the money I gave her...If she has extra, why doesn't she just give it back to me? Hmmnn.. I am getting to be a selfish, old woman, huh!

...I don't think she knows his full background. We haven't met his family...although the boy seems okay but needs to strrrrive harderrrrrrrr to please me and to assure me that he can provide for my daughter when the time comes. For now, I am trying to be nice to both of them although deep inside I want to strangle them:-(

I hope that they will separate soon, that would be great...

~bad thoughts

feb 16. 2011

Remembering Norla...

She was a friend from my college days. We did not go to the same school but we stayed in the same house. Her youngest sister is closer to me because of our age range. However, it did not stop us from being close also as she was such an endearing & funny person...always laughing....making fun of each situation and making fun even of herself at times. Her voice still lingers in my ears. Maybe she found in me a listening buddy..my attention would always be hers while she narrated her experiences..sometimes lowering her voice so that her sisters wouldn 't hear. She would also shout to my ate "No, Flor, I am not polluting Beng's mind".

During one of our light conversations in our dorm she told me that time would come when she would tell me that 'her baby is about 24 months old' referring to the baby's age in months like other countries do because she said, she will marry a foreigner. And it did happen..She married an Australian guy and that incident really happened as predicted.

She would call me each time she came home for a visit and we exchanged emails once in a while but it had stopped in 2009 as my former company ceased its operations in the country. We lost contact since then.

I still maintain my communications with her sisters thru FB. Yesterday, I was informed that Norla passed away...she was survived by her husband and 2 kids. I am saddened by her demise. Sad that her sisters will not be able to see her for the last time because of the distance .

Norla...you had made my college days so fun....I will always remember the time when we went to Rizal Park just to see Gary Valenciano.... there were so many people and we were perspiring a lot, as if we had just taken a bath but our smiles were from ear to ear, really glad of that experience.

When you went out at nights and would go home beyond our curfew at the dorm, you would tell me to open the door for you since you were not sure that your sisters would do it. However, I don't remember opening the door for you even once as I would always be fast asleep by then. In the morning, you would tell me how your date went..and we would always laugh at its turn out.

You were always willing to try new things, good or bad because according to you, we only live once...Sometimes, you would call me 'Adeng" referring to a younger sis, and I already missed that....

Norla, have you done all the crazy things you had wanted to try? Have you had the full life you were aiming at? Goodbye my laughing buddy...may you fill with laughter the space above. Rest in peace now....I am sure that you are now with our Lord because you are His child.

Long Nights

In the Philippines, nights are longer during christmas time until February. It is chilly and breezy at this time. It is only during this time when Filipinos normally wear windbreakers or sweaters. Personally, I love this time of the year.

When the year 2011 was about to set in, I promised myself that I would always be on time to meet my shuttle van to the office. And up to this day, I have acted on my resolution. I have been very consistent these days. I am always at the pick up point ahead of time:-)

I love the feeling of being outside long before the sun rises. It's nice to observe the sun as it slowly brightens up the surroundings making everything visible little by little.

It's kinda exhilarating to feel the gentle morning breeze and the darkness adds up to the thrill when I walk towards our subdivision's gate where the shuttle van would be waiting to bring me to the office.

I saw some early risers who enjoy their morning walks. Some students who are rushing for school. Those who have classes by 7 am need to leave their homes by 6am - when it is practically still dark outside.

This weekend , I will ask my husband and my daughter Pam to have a leisurely morning walk. I am sure we will enjoy. Long nights, please stay awhile....

Young Love

December 30, 2010

This morning, I woke up with a strange feeling. I felt that something is going to happen. Don’t know but I got apprehensive the moment I went to the bathroom downstairs.

I did my usual morning routine because I had to catch the shuttle to the office. I almost missed to take with me the apron that my office mate is borrowing for our play that day. It was in the plastic bag and there I saw the letter from Pam my daughter. She placed it between the folds of the white apron. I have an inkling of what is in that letter. Since I was in a rush, I have decided to just read it first thing when I arrive in the office. In the car, I told my husband that Pam inserted a letter on my things and I have an idea on what is in there.

When I arrived in the office, I read Pam’s letter. The content is a mixture of assurance that she will finish her studies and for us her parents not to fear that she will be like those other teenagers who got pregnant along the way because she was raised in a Christian way. She shares her fear of telling us directly that she has been going steady with Jaymore for almost 4 months now and how relieved she will be if everything is ironed out before the years ends. That she is having a hard time keeping her secret from us knowing that I don’t approve of early relationship. That she needs me to trust her and support her and how happy she is now with her true love#$@!*#%

I felt a big lump on my throat. If only my staff are not around, I could have shed bucket of tears. Why? I knew it even before she told me. I knew that she was hiding something from me. Her actions betrayed her. Who wouldn’t have a doubt when she is texting almost non stop – when she has to go to the terrace even late at night just to answer her phone. In the church, they always sit side by side. I knew it although I am on denial - I knew that there is something going on.

In her letter, Pam mentioned that she is growing up already. She seems matured and sincere in the words that she said. Actually the letter was done in a funny manner including lots of smileys . I knew how nervous she was while writing it. Looking back I remember that Pam says a lot of “I love you Mama’ these last few days. Asking for a hug every now and then. She hasn’t changed. She was like that when she was small – whenever she has done something wrong – it was her way of asking for an assurance that whatever happens she is loved.

As for me, I am really having a hard time accepting that my baby is now a lady with varying emotions. I am hoping that this thing will happen a lot later. That she will continue to be our baby for a long time. However, I want to give her a chance..let her experience how it is really to be in a relationship and to test her level of maturity. I wouldn’t like her to feel that I don’t trust her at all. I will schedule a meeting with her and Jaymore and maybe extract promises from them that they will always behave. No hanky panky on the side. Maybe I could live with that. Let them draw inspirations from each other as Pam has said in her letter.

Maybe I should give her more freedom now after all she is already 17 years old, turning 18 soon. I must let her spread her wings and find out more about what life is all about.
Well – I know all the right things to do but still I am hesitant to do it. What if I ask them to put a stop to the relationship? Will Pam hate me for it? What if I insist? How can I do it when Pam says how happy she is now. Will it make me feel better if nobody will court or take an interest with my daughter? No, but I would rather that she accepts courtship only and no serious relationship at this stage.

What can I do? Hmmnnn… nothing maybe…who can stop the rain from falling? Or the wind from blowing? Maybe, all I can do right now is to pray harder for God to bless and guide Pam & Jaymore always. I can’t stop them but I can talk sense into them by explaining to them facts of life rather than rejecting them now . It may drive them to be even more secretive in the process and might be bad for all of us in the end.

Life is really a cycle….one can’t stay in one stage all his life…we move on to the next level and that means that Pam has to meet someone else outside our family.